When you hear the phrase I’ve fallen and I can’t get up, you probably think of an old lady on a life alert commercial. As it turns out, you should actually think of thirtysomething podcast hosts who never learned proper balance and continue to be klutzes well into adulthood. One of us may or may not have slipped in the shower and broken some ribs. It does make one wonder, though, if an elderly woman – perhaps a saucy, frisky, randy old gal – did fall in the shower and get hurt, what might happen? Would she simply say I’ve fallen and I can’t get up? Or would she make some inappropriate advances upon the nice young EMT gentleman?
Caitlyn Jenner just can’t seem to stop making headlines. I thank her for this, because it allows me to use her as an SEO search term so I can capitalize on organic search traffic. However, the reasons she is always in the news are getting ever more troubling. First she was becoming a woman, which was fine. A very manly looking woman, but hey we’ve all made a mistake after the bar in the dark, right? Then Caitlyn Jenner got her own TV show, further growing the Kardashian Empire of banality and narcissism. This was a bit troubling, but not unexpected. Now she’s going nude for Sports Illustrated. Seeing an elderly woman with man hands and legs looking like a non-magical Melisandre on the cover of Sports Illustrated is going to cause a measurable revenue increase for therapists. It was probably therapists that convinced Caitlyn Jenner to transition in the first place. They knew what they were doing.
Things don’t stop getting weird there when it comes to the elderly; Caitlyn Jenner is just the start. New research shows that STDs are skyrocketing in the geriatric community, likely in part because of Viagra, Cialis and poor eyesight. Glaucoma perhaps. Granny porn has always had a healthy representation on major porn sites, but a less than healthy representation in their doctor’s offices. Apparently with a pill and a little lubrication, STDs don’t have to be exclusive to the young white trash community anymore. Newly infamous Devil’s Advocates character Sugar Granny has some thoughts on the matter. They say youth is wasted on the young. Here in America we don’t rest on our laurels; we push boundaries. Old age can now be wasted on the old.
Meghan Trainor achieved massive fame with a catchy little ditty called All About That Bass. It was about fat girls still being lovable, as if we didn’t understand what alcohol and closing time desperation can do to us. We’ve all loved fat girls, whether we remember it or not. Anyway, Meghan went on to have many more hit songs, all of them toe-tappers. One theme does run through them that is concerning, however, and that is her appropriation of black dialect and rampant narcissism. Suggesting that boys should never argue with her, or even approach her, seems like a poor message to send out, but I guess I can’t get too upset when the alternative is Kylie Jenner debuting her rap skills to a beat that sounds like the pre-programmed songs that come on Casio keyboards. When it comes to female singers, we just can’t win. Seriously, Meghan Trainor literally says so. Don’t worry Meghan, you’re actually quite talented, but men will walk past you every time for a chance with Kylie Jenner. You don’t want us to approach you at a bar? You got it.