Daisy Ridley is the actress who played Rey, the main character in Star Wars Episode VII. She’s cute as a button, and looks like Keira Knightly for a new generation, albeit slightly less afraid of eating a sandwich once in a while… though not fearless enough, according to some. Anyway, Daisy Ridley has been cursed to a terrible fate. She is a mix of cute, hot, and girl-next-door charm, all while having a name that actually has all the exact same qualities. This combination makes her highly desirable by losers, nerds, basement dweller, white knights, and pretty much everyone else with a beating heart. Once of the consequences of this is that daisy Ridley is now subject to the latest trend in viral idiocy; holding celebrities hostage by appearing adorably shy and earnest asking for a date to a school dance in cute little viral videos. It’s tough for celebrities to say no when these videos go viral, because now the public is judging you. Luckily, Daisy Ridley kindly but firmly told a young douche at some old-money college to let her know how it goes, as she’ll be unable to attend. May the force end this trend of whiny tools feeling entitled to celebrity attention.
Sometimes when you become morbidly obese, it becomes obvious that denying your obesity as a detriment to your love life is vastly easier than starting a journey of a thousand steps, or pounds. Hey, I can relate, if attractive girls were attracted to fat guys, my life would be amazing. However, they’re not, nor are men attracted to morbidly obese women. In their denial, these girls may argue that this isn’t true, but these adorable ladies are confusing desperation for genuine attraction. People choose as successfully as their options allow them to. Melissa McCarthy is married to a creepy little weird dude. That’s not an accident. Brad Pitt is married to Angelina Jolie. That also is not an accident. Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, Anna Faris and Chris Pratt… see how people end up in their own league? Hell, Danny DeVito couldn’t even hold on to Rhea Pearlman for Christ’s sake, that’s how accurate this shit is. But, much like religion, I don’t fault people for believing something false because it makes them feel better. Pray now to your lord god, the burger king. He will look past all your outer flaws and smells to love the real you. By the way, the cost of a #3 combo is going up by $0.99… but don’t let that get in the way of true love.
Did you know that there are people who actually believe they are vampires? I thought that episode of South Park was just a joke, but it’s not. People believe this. All the special millennials can be whatever they want according to their parents, including things that aren’t real. We may have to actually do what they did in the South Park episode and burn down every Hot Topic. If you can’t dress like a slutty goth or a pretentious white knight, being a vampire suddenly starts to seem a bit more silly. Maybe you should take it off your resume.