Kim Davis is everyone’s favorite news story at the moment. Conservative Christians have rallied around her as a hero standing up for her religious beliefs, progressive liberals have condemned her for her selfish and unlawful actions, and the rest of us just wish everyone would shut the fuck and do their jobs regardless of what they think so we can all go home at night and wait for the sweet release of death to take us from our monotonous lives. Kim Davis refused to issue marriage licenses for same sex couples because her religion doesn’t recognize same sex marriages. I personally find Kim Davis to be an inspiration, because my religion that I invented states that ignorant old bitches must always have scalding coffee tossed in their faces when you see them. I’m applying to be a barista as I type this.
Sadly, Kim Davis is not even the stupidest person in the news this week. Texas State student drives pink barbie power wheels jeep after DWI – DUI got a DUI, so her father took away her Jeep and gave her a bicycle to get around campus. Apparently princess doesn’t want to ride a bicycle or walk anywhere, because that’s what poor people do, so she went on Craigslist and bought a Pink Power Wheels Barbie Jeep. Joke’s on you, Dad! Who’s the idiot now? People living near Texas State have snapped pictures and filmed video of the girl driving around her Power Wheels, and princess doesn’t seem to realize everyone thinks she is a complete fucktard for doing this. She just thinks she has a smaller Jeep now. Chris Rock famously said that a father’s number one job is to “keep your daughter off the pole.” I think we’ve found a new base level job: keep your daughter out of Power Wheels.
The movie The Fault in our Stars came out months ago and is about two young people with cancer who fall in love while they’re dying. Chris has been obsessing over making Ben watch this movie, so he finally did. Apparently the movie is a childish, manipulative attempt at using cancer as a vehicle for emotion which causes Ben to go into a blind rage about how ridiculous the movie is. Nothing connects with audiences more that screaming about how stupid and childish cancer situations are. I can’t imagine why people think we’re crass and inappropriate.
Ben goes on a little adventure this week to look at therapists, because he has realized he is fucked up and needs professional help. Unfortunately he finds that all the therapists in his area are young attractive girls who graduated from his school. Several years younger than he is, to be exact. He tries to imagine what getting therapy from one of these nice young ladies would be like. It would not go well.
September 11th is this week, and is thus the most popular week for conspiracy theories, because many people refuse to accept that the government didn’t somehow control the events on that day. We’ve been down the 9/11 conspiracy road before, so we try some new conspiracies. A lot of people seem to think that the end of the world will be September 25th, while others believe the WDBJ Shooting two weeks ago was a hoax that didn’t happen, and my favorite, that people think the Earth really is, in fact, flat. This is our breaking point this week. We don’t deserve to live as a species. We haven’t earned it; our stupidity has grown wild and must be thinned like the forest. Hopefully the Earth will cleanse itself in a cleansing fire… on September 25th.