Pokemon Go is the latest game in the Pokemon franchise, at least I think it is. It’s hard to tell because these games are constantly being created, and frankly I’m not sure if there’s anything different about any of them. As I understand it, you collect little monsters, train them to fight, and then actually let them fight. I’m not quite sure how you win, but I think it has something to do with realizing you’re an overgrown child, admitting you have a problem, and seeking help to stop playing games designed for Asian children. I wouldn’t count on that anytime soon however, because Pokemon Go is a massive hit so far. It’s the first mobile app game for Pokemon and Nintendo, and apparently this planet is so full of nostalgic millennials trying to recapture the youth they haven’t even lost yet that Nintendo’s stock price went up 10% because of this one game. So what’s so great about this game? Well, you collect little monsters, but in the real world. They could be anywhere- outside your local library, in a dewy meadow, under John Wayne Gacy’s crawlspace – and you must find and collect them! Then, you bring them to a virtual gym also located in the real world. It may or may not be near an actual gym. Then, you let your collected monsters fight other people’s collected monsters, and the victor receives the spoils of knowing they’ve wasted a perfectly good day doing this. Pokemon Go appears to be a dirty trick to get kids out of the house for a while, which I’m sure parents will love. It’s probably just a coincidence that there’s a lot more windowless vans driving around the neighborhood than there were last week.
Pokemon Go isn’t the only technologically impressive thing to happen this week. In more lighthearted news, the race war has started after some more black people were killed by cops during seemingly nonviolent traffic stops, which led to an impressive retaliation of snipers gunning for cops. The technological accomplishment I’m referring to is the robot sent to neutralize the sniper with a bomb. Points to the cops for creativity and thinking on their feet, or I guess their treads. It almost makes you wonder if maybe we could send a robot to the vehicle once it’s pulled over to avoid any life-threatening violence, since apparently we have robots that can be sent to do things. Eh, that’s enough thinking for one day. Next thing you know we’ll be discussing the citizenship of Johnny 5, or in this case Johnny 5-0. Perhaps if the police victims had asked nicely to “no disassemble!” this could’ve all been avoided.
One of our favorite shows from last year, Dating Naked, has returned, and it’s full of all the deep, thought-provoking existential conversation you’ve come to expect. This week we review a clip from the show where one contestant is given a snorkel and a fin to be a mermaid in the water on her date. As it so happens, being a mermaid was always on this girl’s bucket list, so dreams really do come true when you’re a hot naked chick brimming with ambition and idiocy. We should all be so lucky.