There’s a lot to cover this week on The Devil’s Advocates- Selena Gomez and the fleshlight-ning round could’ve been enough, but we also get to hear a brand new story of Ben’s adventures in poor choices and strange encounters. So, just what is happening this week in the world of Ben’s sad attempt at dating? Not much, as usual, but in what could be a global first, Ben was approached on a dating site- but not for a date. You see, despite his crippling depression and tubby appearance, Ben possesses a highly above average amount of skills and traits typically considered desirable by females when it comes to choosing a potential mate and offspring creator. Brilliant, funny, successful, kind, caring, creatively gifted both in musical and visual endeavors as well as a mastery of oral technique. The potential that lay within his seed could be limitless; there’s never been such an amazing specimen before. The opening scene of Prometheus is basically this situation- a god-like creature sending forth his genetic spark into te world to create future greatness. As you can imagine, Ben’s sperm is highly valuable to potential suitors. As it turns out, it is- so much so that from a mere dating site profile, one very attractive woman was able to determine how much potential value lay waiting in Ben’s balls and approached him on the site to beg for his sperm so that she and her infertile fiancé might still be able to bring a child into this world. However, the world is not ready for a child packing all the genetic gold of Ben’s brilliance and the girl’s hotness. This child would be unstoppable- a brilliant, funny, charming, very successful and extremely attractive individual of this magnitude has never existed outside the fantasy world of “50 Shades of Grey” before. What ends up happening? Oh, you know the answer to that by now. You have to listen!
If you’ve never heard of the Fleshlight before, you are either Amish or asexual. I guess that’s sort of the same thing. Anyway, we finally have a confession on the show that one of the hosts does indeed own a Fleshlight- two of them, in fact! We then proceed to go to the Fleshlight-ning round to guess which porn star and which orifice(s) he chose for his purchase. Could it be Jenna Jameson’s mouth? Or Jenna Haze’s ass? Or maybe Jesse Jane’s vagina? We follow with a full report and the Fleshlight test drive. Spoiler alert- it’s the next best thing to an actual vagina.
Lastly, in one of the most ingenious and offensive ideas we’ve ever come up with, we put forth the idea that Selena Gomez should dress like a little girl and do lots of pornography and pictures dressed like this. If you’ve never seen Selena Gomez, or have no idea who she is, check this out. Go ahead, I’ll wait. OK are you back? What’d you think? That’s right- she’s a 22 year old girl who looks 12. Don’t you see what’s going on here? If she a bunch of porn shoots for videos and images, The pedophiles of the world could satiate their disgusting needs without having to use the illegal stuff. Selena Gomez possesses a rare superpower-the ability to appear 12 when she’s not- which could solve the world’s pedophilia problems, making her the hero we deserve right now. Selena Gomez, please do porn and save the world. Search your heart for the courage to be the hero we need.