The Obamacare Replacement Plan has been unveiled by Paul Ryan, and everyone is very excited to harness the power of the free market to drive costs down by giving consumers the power to shop around. If there’s one thing the Republicans understand, it’s that Americans love shopping. However, one cannot help but wonder as the blood drains from your bullet wound whether or not this is the best time to be doing some shopping. Is Trumpcare a lateral move, a downgrade or an upgrade? It depends more on you than the facts. If you want to like it, you will. If you want to hate it, you will. If you want pretend we’re living in an alternate reality where none of this has happened, give me pointers on how you do it.
Whether you’re infected with Ebola or suffering from a gunshot to the head, many people take pride in America’s health care system. Chief among those who tout our healthcare system (at least before Obamacare) are conservatives, who know that socialism has no place in gunshots and infected wounds. Those who think our healthcare system offers the best treatment compared to other countries are interestingly enough the same people who have never had to use it. When Ben has a cut that gets infected, he heads over to the walk-in clinic for a seemingly routine session of care to straighten it out. What ends up happening instead is a negligent abomination of third world country style medical care that takes a simple infected wound and turns it into a scene out of Hostel. Luckily he’s still alive to tell the tale… for now. This week’s story about an infected abscess turning into a nightmare infection is not for the squeamish or the faint of heart. Luckily, no one ever reads these episode descriptions to I’m sure we’ll cause at least a few people to pass out.
In other news, the UK has decided that having fun is really more trouble than it’s worth, so they’ve banned a laundry list of sex acts in their pornography. Water sports, spanking, verbal abuse… these are the reasons why porn is enjoyable in the first place! Perhaps the most ridiculous rule however is that “humiliation” is banned. News flash, UK: doing porn IS humiliating. No one goes into porn because it’s a solid career path with an excellent 401k option. Doing porn is humiliating because it means you’re either too stupid or too unable to learn a skill that can let you do a job while wearing clothing. So if you’re going to ban humiliation, you’re going to have to ban porn altogether. You’ll also need to ban the cockney accent, because speaking like someone from Downton Abbey on bath salts is also quite humiliating.