Saved by the Bell was a TV show in the late 80s and early 90s that was very popular with kids and pedophiles. It followed the adventures of Zack Morris, A.C. Slater, Kelly Kapowski, Jessie Spano, Lisa Turtle, Screech and some girl with a leather jacket in a few episodes towards the end. They navigate the difficult world of high school with a positive attitude and a few trite lessons learned, and somehow became extremely popular. So much so, in fact, that when the Late Show with Jimmy Fallon did a Saved by the Bell reunion skit involving the cast, the thunderous and lengthy applause Mark Paul Gosselaar received when he stepped on stage was something you’d expect to hear for god himself descending from the heavens. The skit became a viral smash, and reignited the latent fantasy in every heterosexual man between the ages of 29 – 35 that revolves around having sex with every single female character on Saved by the Bell- simultaneously or in order.
It could have been a fleeting fantasy that never really emerged again after the teenage years, but then Elizabeth Berkley, aka Jessie Spano, decided to do something that would forever change the course of our lives. So sickened, so fed up with playing a character that was an overachieving shrew, Elizabeth Berkley did the only thing she could after Saved by the Bell: got a starring role in an NC-17 movie about a stripper. With delusions of grandeur that likely involved being taken seriously, Elizabeth Berkley threw herself into the role… and was rewarded with unanimous critical panning of the movie and her performance. But, all was not lost- at least for young boys going through puberty, for they now had their greatest dreams come true. Jessie Spano wanted to take off all her clothes, fuck people, and let you watch. That day I knew what it meant to live in the greatest country on Earth.
This week is more than just a trip down horny memory lane. Apparently the video game Tetris is going to be made into a movie. The absurdity, anger and flabbergasted brain farting that occurs trying to process this information is some of the funniest conversation you’ll hear anywhere. Are they blocks with feet? Do they talk? Did some underachieving marketing graduate think he had his eureka moment when he thought of this insane drivel? The only logical reaction to this nonsense is to simply believe that it can’t possibly happen, because the next stop on that train is “Ass: The Movie” from Idiocracy.