Scissoring, also known as tribadism or tribbing, is the seductive art of two women mushing their vulvas together while interlocking their legs in a manner reminiscent of two pairs of scissors. Scissoring doesn’t look like it would produce much stimulation for the lesbians involved… but it produces a large amount of stimulation the degenerates like us who watch scissoring videos. The obsession with scissoring videos may seem a bit odd, but we’d like to remind everyone that when it comes to porn, the less penis you have to see the better. Also lesbians are the greatest thing on earth, and we truly believe the key to world peace lies somewhere within the lesbian community and videos of their amorous activities. Perhaps with enough scissoring videos, there can finally be peace between Jews and Arabs.
After we wrap up some of the finer points of scissoring, we turn our attention to an image on 4chan of a Muslim rock band. The lovable little scamps over at 4chan had some delightful band name suggestions, including “Bomb Jovi” and “Quran Quran.” Many thanks to our dear friend and listener Sticky Hooves for sending us this thread to read on the show. The more show prep that gets offloaded to listeners, the less work we have to. The goal is to eventually have the entire show thought up and created by listeners, and we can just read what they send us. Then we’ll become famous off their hard work. It’s the most American thing there is.
After that delightfully racist segment we get to a video of Cassandra Bankson, the YouTube star and model who discovered she had two vaginas. This was originally supposed to be a throwaway bit, meant to occupy a few minutes of time to help us run out the clock until the end of the show. However, we soon realize this is no filler material – while the story of two vaginas is mildly interesting, it becomes clear to us that the real humor in this video comes from Cassandra Bankson’s inability to create or tell a story that has sort of narrative, or meaning, or interest, or even relevance to the point of the video. For fifteen goddamned minutes we listen to this video of “how she discovered she had two vaginas” and upon completion we realize the entire story could’ve simply been: “I went to the doctor for back pain and they discovered I had two vaginas.” How long did it take you to read that sentence? Two seconds? Three? You might be asking what’s in the rest of the 15 minutes of video. The answer: more laughter than you’ve had in a long time. This video finally broke us, and it will break you too. If you make it through the whole segment, you will not be the same person you were before. You will have a new appreciation for quiet girls. And smart girls. And girls with only one vagina. Do not let smart quiet girls with only one vagina go unappreciated, gentlesirs. Because silence, much like my favorite kind of shower, is golden.