There is a show on VH1 called Dating Naked, and its very complicated, not-at-all gimmicky premise consists of people going on dates without wearing clothes. Don’t tell me there’s no creativity left on television. Still, Dating Naked does provide for some interesting ideas to work their way to the viewer. One idea specifically, in our case, is overwhelming depression at the display of fun and hedonism available to the highly attractive, shameless individuals of society. “Going on dates is fun and all, but I wish you could get to the nudity faster.” Well in this modern day and age, why should it be that we delay gratification for the extremely attractive individuals? If hot men and women can’t have whatever they want right away, then what’s this all even for? Be nude right away and enjoy the spoils of the date before it even starts! Dating Naked is clearly a show that a low level drunken mail room clerk at VH1 thought up and told his boss, who then raced it to the programming director as his own brilliant masterwork and was pushed out immediately so that Amy Paffrath can avoid anonymity for another year. They unknowingly put out a brilliant commentary on modern society, full of intricate and nuanced studies of the modern American mentality. Also, boobs. Ass. Weiners.
It might seem rather torturous to watch a show like Dating Naked for people who aren’t all that attractive. People like us, for example. Luckily, we have an extreme level of self-hatred which causes us to believe we deserve to be tortured. So, watching Dating Naked is a wonderful way to pass the time until we get our gun permits… because I’ll be damned if I’m going to go out like Brooks in Shawshank Redemption. But the torture doesn’t stop at Dating Naked- in fact it gets much, much worse… and I’m not talking about listening to Trump disparage a breastfeeding woman. I haven’t decided yet whether I love or hate the fact that Trump mouthed off to public breastfeeding lawyer. Anyway, we are very creative individuals who have come up with a number of ways to torture ourselves for being alone and sad. For example, when I feel very sad late at night, I’ll watch super depressing movies like Dead Poets Society which is now compounded in sadness from Robin Williams’ suicide from his own depression. If I’m going to be sad, I’m going to be the SADDEST dammit. In fact, this little practice we have of torturing ourselves for being alone and sad I like to refer to as the UnWed Poets Society. We watch shows like Dating Naked, videos on YouTube of happy people getting engaged, or soldiers coming home to their wives who cry with joy at the sight of them… you know, the stuff we’ll never experience. Why do we do these things to ourselves? Why don’t we learn to love ourselves? Because therapy is goddamn expensive. YouTube is free.