Marriage is where sex goes to die, unless you count masturbation. Sometimes your friends will try to tell you that they still have regular sex with their spouse after 10 years and 2 kids, but you’re smart enough to know that’s a lie. The only sex anyone’s getting in a decade-plus marriage is when the husband quietly performs some masturbation while looking at his sleeping wife, being careful not to let his load or his tears hit the fancy overpriced comforter from Pottery Barn. Some people can find a way to exist for eternity having only the option of masturbation to fill their needs, but for most couples it starts to cause resentment and avoidance of good TV shows because they might have sex, and you don’t want that subject coming up because the divorce is usually the next conversation after the “why aren’t we having sex” discussion. Because no one’s attracted to the same person after 15 years, silly. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar or mentally unstable.
Now that we’ve depressed you, let’s cheer you up. The reason you should be happy is because you have all your limbs, and you actually want them all. The newest craze in mental instability is being transabled. (Also called xenomelia or Body integrity identity disorder.) This means you have a healthy functioning body, but you feel as though you’re really an amputee trapped in a non-amputee’s body. Some will roll around in wheelchairs, others will elect for amputation surgery… but the going attitude towards the transabled at the moment seems to be one of “shut the hell up freak.” I find this amusing, because I don’t really see how that’s different from thinking you’re a woman when you’re a man, and the world embraced Caitlyn Jenner as if she had murdered her entire Kardashian clan. Is one crazier than the other? Right now, people say yes, but give it 4 years. You’ll see “transabled” as a checkbox option on all application forms.
There isn’t a circumstance I’ve ever come across where the word nugget has failed to improve the situation. Chicken is nice… chicken nuggets are even better. Gold is good, but finding a nugget of gold is great! Poo is always a fun topic, but an actual nugget of poop is much funnier! Well, now we can add another category to this equation: porn. Porn is awesome, but there is a fabled category of porn called nugget porn. In it, one of the intercourse participants has no arms or legs, so they are essentially just a nugget of human being. Nugget porn is the unicorn of our time- no one’s ever seen it, or can find it, but we know we don’t want to live in a world without something so beautiful and pure. If anyone, ANYONE out there has come across this fabled entertainment, please forward it to email@example.com – we will never share it with the world, or even the Internet. We just want to jerk off to it. Please and thank you.