Yup, this week is a rerun. We’ve never really done that before, but some circumstances beyond Ben’s control caused this week’s schedule to complete fail even for a mini-episode. He’s very sorry, probably. We have carefully curated one of our best episodes from 2016 to keep you entertained this week. Like NBC says, it’s not a repeat if it’s new to you! If it’s not new to you, what can I say? Shit happens, we couldn’t record this week but we’ll be back next week for sure to make up for this rerun. Life sucks, wear a helmet.
Debate time during the presidential election cycle is basically the Superbowl for those of us who don’t like sports. It also gets treated like the Superbowl, in that people talk about offense, defense, tactics, and a whole lot of uninformed opinions, because stupid America can only understand things through sports analogies and some blissful ignorance of the Dunning-Kruger Effect. By the time you read this or listen to this week’s podcast episode, the debate will have already happened. So, you know more than we do right now. Was the debate fun? was it a “slobberknocker” as JR from WWE would say? Did Hillary pass out? Did Trump say a lot of words without ever meandering near an answer to a question? Good times.
Since the debate hasn’t happened yet as of this writing, let’s talk about what did happen. Anthony Weiner sexted with a 15 year old girl. He’s being investigated. He could face prison time. This is not a man feeding his ego at the cost of his formal life; this is now a man who has an addiction or some weird core-level acceptance issues going on and wants to be liked by everyone… but mostly women. And girls, apparently.Anthony dude we’ve all been there, but looking at underage cleavage is like looking at the sun. You get a… oh just watch the damn clip, you know where I’m going.
We had a few quiet weeks where police did their jobs, black people stayed out of trouble, and we lived in a… well maybe not a utopia, but maybe at least a Fruitopia. Sadly, cops are up to their old tricks again and two more black people were killed by cops. Probably a lot of other races too, but you know, with the news cycle and the ratings, I don’t know, it’s all very complicated. So, were these warranted? It’s looking iffy, but the fun fact this week is that none of the killer cops were white men this time around. That didn’t stop a lot of protesters from saying that all white people are the devil, which is very hurtful to us white folks because we worked really hard to keep that on the DL.
Suicide Squad is the latest DC comics and Warner Brothers movie to get critically panned as a mess trying to accomplish way too much while accomplishing nothing. WB gets their hooks into the movie looking for immediate profit on a DC universe scale, altering David Ayers’ original ideas, while DC has their say, and ultimately you end up with a bunch of bad ideas mushed together to make a super bad idea. Jared Leto as the Joker, a bunch of villains no one’s ever heard of, an ensemble cast before any of their characters have been introduced… suicide squad should probably refer to the producers. The movie will make a ton of money because everyone loves Harley Quinn, and more so when it’s mostly just Margot Robbie’s ass in the center of the shot for half of the movie. It may not be a great movie, but a broken clock is right twice a day.
Suicide squad as a solution to criminals might not be a bad idea given the latest police shooting involving an unarmed black guy. In one of the most damning videos yet, cops are seen wildly shooting at the perp’s car getting closer to killing each other than the criminal. Multiple camera angles are provided from body cameras, dash cams, and everyone is finally held accountable… except the guy who actually did the shooting. Apparently his body camera wasn’t working at that moment when he shot the guy. What are the odds of that happening? About 100% if you’re paying attention.
Kendra Wilkinson isn’t quite a household name, but it’s certainly a mansionhold name. She was one of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner’s infamous girlfriends featured on the reality show The Girls Next Door, along with Holly Madison and Brigitte… uh, I don’t know her last name. The old one. Kendra Wilkinson and Holly Madison mostly made out well for themselves; Kendra Wilkinson went on to star in her own show, Kendra on Top, and Holly went on to star in a Las Vegas show called Peep Show, which I’m guessing is kind of like the Elizabeth Berkeley classic movie Showgirls. I’m basing that guess on absolutely nothing. Anyway, being attractive and willing to have sex with rich old men is a pretty bankable career choice, but you can never really escape your past no matter how high you climb. In some shocking news, apparently Kendra and Holly are not friends, and have gotten into a little Twitter fight. Hard to believe that two class act beacons of intelligence would come to be at odds, but any concept of keeping things civil went away once Kendra started describing Holly’s tasks when attending to Hef’s sexual needs. Apparently she was on cleanup duty, but you know instead of napkins or a washcloth she had her mouth. No word yet on what tasks Kendra Wilkinson was responsible for, or which part of body was to be used doing it. Stupid attractive girls are the unsung heroes of the economy. Forget illegal immigrants- the real jobs no one wants to do but still need doing are the ones done by hot girls with large ambitions and small vocabularies.
Speaking of dirty jobs no one wants to do except sociopaths, police officers have always been an interesting bunch. What could possibly motivate someone to want to be a cop? Is it the life-threatening nature? The low pay? The uncomfortable goofy uniforms? The administrative tasks? No, there’s only one reason anyone would want to be a cop: power. The only redeeming factor of being a cop is that you have power over others and protection from your colleagues when you do something bad. Nah, our boy officer Glasscock he didn’t rape that girl, he was helping her inspect her vulva to be sure there was no urine on it from when she pissed herself after the real criminals scared her. So, the very nature of the job attracts mostly sociopaths, and gives them power over others. This seems like a wise idea. Have you ever met a cop that you didn’t already know from somewhere else and thought “This seems like a good guy, I like and trust him.” If you answered yes, you’re either a liar or a cop. I guess that’s redundant. This week we hear the story of Ben vs. the Cops, a harrowing tale of being talked down to and fighting back the only way people can: with money. He’s doing it for all of us, the little people, so that one day we can all look back and say “remember when Trayvon Martin was killed? Well Ben evened the score for us by fighting that speeding ticket.” He’s the hero we need in these troubled times. The type of people who want to be cops are people like George Zimmerman, except he only made it as far as neighborhood watch because of lazy/stupid. Although he did get clever trying to profit off of his murder by auctioning off the weapon he used. Your life is really coming together, sir. Watch yourself though, a lot of people may feel the need to stand their ground around you.