Merry Christmas, you little jerks. It’s that time of the year where Christians celebrate the birth of their role model for good behavior while screaming at each other over mall parking spaces. On that note, we present a very Merry Christmas episode of The Devil’s Advocates where we hate Christmas things and share our favorite miserable holiday memories. Grab the eggnog and the booze, and get ready to smell Santa’s whiskey breath. It’s the holiday season with the Devil’s Advocates.
Happy Festivus everyone! This year, as we look back upon all the fruits of our labor that have never materialized, it becomes painfully clear that an Airing of Grievances be performed on this most joyous of Festivus holidays. We all express our disappointment in the ways that we’ve all been let down by each other this year. Unfortunately we were unable to find an aluminum pole for the celebration, and we couldn’t substitute a regular metal pole because as we all know aluminum has a very high strength-to-weight ratio. We also air our grievances with the listeners, who continue to disappoint us by not working tirelessly without compensation to promote the show. This leads to a Festivus miracle when we discover that some of the shows that are in iTunes’ top comedy podcasts are so disturbingly bad and boring that it sends Ben into a complete breakdown, refusing to see the logic in society’s appreciation of these subpar shows compared to our clear comedic genius.
As his breakdown continues on, he starts playing Vince Guaraldi’s Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack while refusing to do anything funny, and also refusing to end the episode. By his logic, only unfunny podcasts get to the top of the comedy podcast list, so we’re going to be as unfunny as humanly possible. Things get very strange as the show rolls on while Ben continues to lose his mind over a music bed of Christmas music and various show sound clips.
If that’s not enough for your Christmas entertainment, we also relive some of our worst Christmas memories that challenge even the old recordings of George Costanza’s early Festivus celebrations. Divorces, screaming parents, terrifying presents… we relive all our worst Christmas nightmares in this disturbing, strange and dark holiday episode! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanzaa! And most of all, Happy Festivus!
Black Friday is a special day where we celebrate our love of things and buy cheap TVs and blenders. Black Friday used to be sort of fun and quirky, but over the years it has become an insatiable beast that is ever encroaching onto Thanksgiving, with more retail stores opening Thanksgiving night to squeeze some extra sales out of Black Friday. K-Mart, ever the most clueless of the retail chains, decided to go full retard and this year will be opening at 6am on Thanksgiving. They’ll be open for 42 hours straight over the course of Thanksgiving and Black Friday, and they are giving employees a couple choices about availability. Choice 1: work these 2 days. Choice 2: you’re fired. I love the holiday season.
In the old days I might have made a joke about Black Friday being boycotted by the KKK because of it’s blackness, but apparently those days are ending for some parts of the KKK. One group of the KKK has decided to stop discriminating against blacks, Jews and gays and is willing to let them into the group. Progress often comes in strange places, but I say if we let blacks, Jews and gays into a group to participate in hating blacks, Jews and gays, then this day was a victory my friends. Soon we’ll be calling them the Gay Gay Gay.
Necessity is the mother of invention. For decades now we’ve had a major issue that has gone unaddressed, and two brave men have founded a biotech company and created a product that solves one of the plagues of modern Earth. No not Cancer, not AIDs, but smelly vaginas. They have created a biochemical product that makes vaginas smell like fresh peaches. This is good news for everyone, because who doesn’t love the smell of peaches, and who doesn’t love putting their face in vagina? I certainly love both those things, so I’m quite excited. Now I can keep my face buried in there for hours, each new draw of breath filling my lungs with the joy of sex and food. I would imagine a Nobel prize can’t be far behind.
Speaking of peaches, Sarah Palin is an absolute peach- just a delight of idiocy and bonkers that continues talking when no one’s listening. We play a video of Sarah Palin giving us her opinion on… stuff, like Obama, immigrants, health care… things that have long since elevated to higher conversations of problem solving; yet Sarah Palin seems quite cheeky and pleased with herself that she’s managed to connect the dots to point out that Obama is a law-breaking tyrant, and that the people who voted for him (the majority) are morons that won’t let America survive. She may be right, we probably would’ve been better off if she had been become president. And if she couldn’t make it as president, my stylish table lamp could be president.
It’s not Christmas until you spend it with the Devil’s Advocates! This year we present a retelling of Charles Dickens’ classic holiday story, “A Christmas Carol.” However, we take a few liberties with… well, pretty much everything. Ben is Beneneezer Splooge, and the famous ghosts attempt to get him to change his ways. Jame Gumb of “The Silence of the Lambs” stars as the Ghost of Christmas Past, while Janosz Poha from “Ghostbusters 2” is the Ghost of Christmas Present. Lastly, Private Hudson of “Aliens” is the ghost of Christmas Future. Will Ben learn his lesson and change his ways? Will Christmas be saved? Will we get through a single scene without laughing? You’ll have to listen to this modern Christmas classic to find out!
And, for the first (and probably last) time ever, we used production value! A soundtrack, voices, acting, sound effects… you will feel completely engrossed in this tale of love, loss, and shitty movie references that give me douche chills listening back to it.