When it comes to finding love, there are not many places to go- you can try online like eHarmony, or go to bars, or maybe try the local middle school. They all have their pitfalls- eHarmony and similar sites are full of catfish and traps; bars only work for attractive people, and the middle school is full of tattletales. Given that option 2 is impossible and option 3 is prison time, Ben opted for his chances at eHarmony. You might worry when you go on a site like this that people are hiding who they really are… but he will never get the chance to find out because eHarmony rejected him from even using their service. Stating they simply couldn’t find the right type of people for him, eHarmony refused to take his money and at least try. Generally speaking, people trying out eHarmony are probably running out of options and getting suicidal, so this seems like a particularly poor approach as it should effectively push them over the edge. “Hey, eHarmony rejects lots of people right? Big deal, get over it!” Fair enough, but for the sake of argument on this episode we go through a few specimens who were accepted on eHarmony as a comparison. Ben will be jotting down his suicide note later today.
In other heart-warming news, there’s no love like the love between a teacher and student. And another teacher. Yes, a nice young underage boy in Destrehan, Louisiana had sex with his hot teacher. And then had sex with his other hot teacher. At the same house on the same night. The ladies have posted bail after stupid blabbermouth told people of his conquests, but this is the south and the teachers are hot and the victim is a sex-crazed 16 year old, so I’m not really sure a crime was committed here. Unless life being too awesome is a crime.
Lastly there’s a nice young woman named Melissa Klein who heats up flour, eggs and sugar for a living. But she won’t bake cakes for gays! Gluttony may be one of the seven deadly sins, but being must surely be one of the SUPER deadly sins! However, some crazy people seem to think that might be “discrimination” and have investigated legally. Turns out refusing to heat up eggs and flour for certain kinds of people is not very nice in the eyes of the law, and rather than just bake the stupid fucking cake for some happy lesbians, she chose to close her shop for good. You almost have to respect that amount of dedication to hating people for no reason. However, she was caught bawling her little hate-filled eyes out and a voting forum when talking about her business being closed… and she’s an awful person, we’re happy to indulge in making a mockery of her shitty cakes and her shitty soul. Yay humanity!