The days following Valentine’s Day are a special kind of loneliness and depression- the standards on OKCupid drop, couples going to watch movies like “50 Shades of Grey” seem extra insulting to the forever alone crowd, and your entire life seems to culminate into a sentence that ends with a question mark. With that downtrodden outlook, we bring you the post-valentine’s day episode. You’ll laugh, or you’ll cry, but you’ll unlikely be doing both.
Groups of intelligent people with reasonable viewpoints- such as priests, feminists and conservatives- are extremely angry that the 50 Shades of Grey movie is allowed to be in theaters. Now, you might be thinking to yourself “but people pay money to see it, so doesn’t that mean that the general public actually wants this movie to exist based on its huge success?” How adorable, you ignorant capitalist slut. Since the movie bothers some small groups of people who “feel” that it’s offensive, it should obviously be blocked from the general public who wants to enjoy it. They just don’t understand it’s for their own good. You see, people are stupid. Like, extremely stupid. But then these same people also have opinions. It’s a dangerous situation. This scenario leads to things like the pet rock, the Macarena, 9/11, and Kesha. If a movie about some milquetoast spanking can cause such uproar, then people aren’t really ready to have opinions. Too much power for such a primitive species. The movie itself truly is 50 shades of grey- there’s no simple black or white conclusion as to the merit of a movie like this. However, those that think everything really is black or white can only ever think an acceptable outcome is theirs. So, you know, fuck ‘em. Perhaps they’d enjoy it more if the movie was about “greys” (aliens) and lovely Anastasia Steele is actually abducted and forced to have BDSM sex with inter-dimensional beings. It’s more believable tan a 20-something gorgeous billionaire being attracted to a mousey, timid little nothing of a woman. It’s also more believable than someone being named “Anastasia Steele.”
Speaking of Anastasia, we take a look at Anastasia Date, the dating site for bringing Russian ladies over to the states to be your wife. The commercials are absurd, presenting women and blonde goddesses who just play on the beach all day waiting for some fat, bald American to come sweep them off their feet. If you buy into this, then you probably also buy into the profile pictures of every girl on OKCupid. We take a look at some profiles and pictures on the most popular free dating site and discover that everyone on OKCupid is both a liar and an imbecile. Ourselves notwithstanding.