Honey Boo Boo is both a show as well as a combination of words no one ever thought would exist. The matriarch of the family, Mama June, is a rotten, grotesque creature with a moral compass that constantly points towards herself. Honey Boo Boo is one of her daughters- I think she has a real name but I have no clue what it is- and Honey Boo Boo made the child pageant circuit similar to JonBenét Ramsey. This is what started the Honey Boo Boo show on TLC, but in a move that shocks no one, the woman who would parade her daughter around dolled up to win shiny pieces of plastic also is dating a child molester. More specifically, a child molester that molested her daughter. If you can believe it, the story actually gets worse the more you dig, so rather than explain it here and lose my lunch, just listen to the show.
Speaking of molesting, the movie “50 Shades of Grey” released another trailer that somehow makes the movie even stupider. With lines like “I’m good at people” and “I don’t know if I can be there for him the way he needs me to be”, we should be able to effectively map out a cross-section of the United States consisting of women with below average IQs who are also not getting laid. We can measure based on the moistness of movie theater seats.
Did you know that old ladies like having sex? Well, if you’re the Cougar Champion you do, but it comes as a surprise to the rest of us. So much so, in fact, that a medication exists called Osphena that makes your vagina hurt less when it gets pounded by a droopy, geriatric wiener. More disturbing than the mental image of your grandparents sadly trying to pretend they’re not at death’s doorstep is the commercial for this medication. A minute long festival of old, grey haired ladies giving you a “come hither” look… or maybe they’re just having a moment of incontinence, who knows. Either way, their vagina hungers for you, and now there’s a medication to make that transaction possible. No one keeps Americans down. We will overcome.