My Little Pony is a television show that, to those of us over the age of 30, existed in the 80s and 90s primarily to drive sales of their pony toys. It may surprise you to find out then that the show My Little Pony is still around, in its current iteration which is referred to as Friendship is Magic or generation 4. You might be wondering to yourself “why does the generation or the overall theme of this reboot matter?” Doesn’t the show My Little Pony just sort of exist as a show for 6 year olds to push their merchandise? You’d be dead wrong if you ask any of the millenials who have embraced the kids’ show as a bastion of moral values and a way of life. These charming individuals are referred to as bronies, while their less shameful brethren who openly jerk off to My Little Pony porn are called cloppers. Anyway, it is a show that is deep with thought, righteous in values, and in no way are these ridiculous claims cover for the fact that these delayed growth millenials seem to be sexually confused between their childlike arrested development brains and their sexual urges. Sure it might seem weird to you, me or any run-of-the-mill psychologist to fantasize about cartoon ponies in a sexual manner, but it’s not as weird to just appreciate the show for having good values and important life lessons. Right? Frankly the thing that bothers me most about these young’uns obsessed with My Little Pony is their lack of commitment. Stop pussy footing around and go fuck a real horse. That should clear your head pretty quick.
As we continue our ongoing coverage of Donald Trump’s campaign for president, we continue to cling to him for his beliefs of never apologizing, ever. He really might be the last thing that can save us from our current apology culture. Eminem, the skilled hip hop artist who enjoys rapping about faggots and killing people, was suddenly trying to cover his own ass this week when he freestyle rapped a silly joke about Caitlyn Jenner tucking in her junk. Immediately afterwards he clarified “no disrespect to Caitlyn Jenner, it takes balls to do what she did.” The extra pun may or may not have been intentional, but Eminem clarifying or covering anything is something he’s never done before. If Eminem is scared, we should all be terrified. Hulk Hogan apparently used the “n-word” (as it is childishly referred to) in a conversation about his daughter’s dating habits a while back, and WWE – the company that exists solely because of Hulk Hogan – has fired him and erased his every trace from the company. Now to be clear, using the “n-word” is not very nice and may indeed mean you are a racist, but to completely eradicate everything you’ve ever done because you used a naughty word a while back that doesn’t even necessarily mean you’re a racist (stupid probably, but racist is debatable depending on the context) seems like a pretty extreme reaction. Society demands apologies! Said apologies can be delivered directly to Al Sharpton for forgiveness consideration.
Have you had fun so far? Well, you ain’t heard nothing yet. Would you like to know what happens when two losers go to an orgy with hundreds of other losers? Well you have no choice, because we went to this event for the story, and we came away from this tale with complete shame and regret that has led to an ongoing bout of depression, so the least you can do is smile politely and attentively as we regale you with the story of the shame orgy. You’ll need a shower afterwards.