Black Friday is a special day where we celebrate our love of things and buy cheap TVs and blenders. Black Friday used to be sort of fun and quirky, but over the years it has become an insatiable beast that is ever encroaching onto Thanksgiving, with more retail stores opening Thanksgiving night to squeeze some extra sales out of Black Friday. K-Mart, ever the most clueless of the retail chains, decided to go full retard and this year will be opening at 6am on Thanksgiving. They’ll be open for 42 hours straight over the course of Thanksgiving and Black Friday, and they are giving employees a couple choices about availability. Choice 1: work these 2 days. Choice 2: you’re fired. I love the holiday season.
In the old days I might have made a joke about Black Friday being boycotted by the KKK because of it’s blackness, but apparently those days are ending for some parts of the KKK. One group of the KKK has decided to stop discriminating against blacks, Jews and gays and is willing to let them into the group. Progress often comes in strange places, but I say if we let blacks, Jews and gays into a group to participate in hating blacks, Jews and gays, then this day was a victory my friends. Soon we’ll be calling them the Gay Gay Gay.
Necessity is the mother of invention. For decades now we’ve had a major issue that has gone unaddressed, and two brave men have founded a biotech company and created a product that solves one of the plagues of modern Earth. No not Cancer, not AIDs, but smelly vaginas. They have created a biochemical product that makes vaginas smell like fresh peaches. This is good news for everyone, because who doesn’t love the smell of peaches, and who doesn’t love putting their face in vagina? I certainly love both those things, so I’m quite excited. Now I can keep my face buried in there for hours, each new draw of breath filling my lungs with the joy of sex and food. I would imagine a Nobel prize can’t be far behind.
Speaking of peaches, Sarah Palin is an absolute peach- just a delight of idiocy and bonkers that continues talking when no one’s listening. We play a video of Sarah Palin giving us her opinion on… stuff, like Obama, immigrants, health care… things that have long since elevated to higher conversations of problem solving; yet Sarah Palin seems quite cheeky and pleased with herself that she’s managed to connect the dots to point out that Obama is a law-breaking tyrant, and that the people who voted for him (the majority) are morons that won’t let America survive. She may be right, we probably would’ve been better off if she had been become president. And if she couldn’t make it as president, my stylish table lamp could be president.